Tim O'Brien (American; b. 1947)
The Things They Carried
First Lieutenant Jimmy Cross carried letters from a girl named Martha, a junior at Mount Sebastian College in New Jersey.
They were not love letters, but Lieutenant Cross was hoping, so he kept them folded in plastic at the bottom of his rucksack.
In the late afternoon, after a day's march, he would dig his foxhole, wash his hands under a canteen, unwrap the letters,
hold them with the tips of his fingers, and spend the last hour of fight pretending. He would imagine romantic camping trips
into the White Mountains in New Hampshire. He would sometimes taste the envelope flaps, knowing her tongue had been there.
More than anything, he wanted Martha to love him as he loved her, but the letters were mostly chatty, elusive on the matter
of love. She was a virgin, he was almost sure. She was an English major at Mount Sebastian, and she wrote beautifully about
her professors and roommates and midterm exams, about her respect for Chaucer and her great affection for Virginia Woolf.
She often quoted lines .of poetry; she never mentioned the war, except to say, Jimmy, take care of yourself. The letters weighed
ten ounces. They were signed "Love, Martha," but Lieutenant Cross understood that Love was only a way of signing and did not
mean what he sometimes pretended it meant. At dusk, he would carefully return the letters to his rucksack. Slowly, a bit distracted,
he would get up and move among his men, checking the perimeter, then at full dark he would return to his hole and watch the
night and wonder if Martha was a virgin.
The things they carried were largely determined by necessity. Among the necessities or near-necessities were P-38 can openers,
pocket knives, heat tabs, wrist watches, dog tags, mosquito repellent, chewing gum, candy, cigarettes, salt tablets, packets
of Kool-Aid, lighters, matches, sewing kits, Military payment Certificates, C rations, and two or three canteens of water.
Together, these items weighed between fifteen and twenty pounds, depending upon a man's habits or rate of metabolism. Henry
Dobbins, who was a big man, carried extra rations; he was especially fond of canned peaches in heavy syrup over pound cake.
Dave Jensen, who practiced field hygiene, carried a toothbrush, dental floss, and several hotel-size bars of soap he'd stolen
on R&R in Sydney, Australia. Ted Lavender, who was scared, carried tranquilizers until he was shot in the head outside
the village of Than Khe in mid-April. By necessity, and because it was SOP, they all carried steel helmets that weighed five
pounds including the liner aid camouflage cover. They carried the standard fatigue jackets and trousers. Very few carried
underwear. On their feet they carried jungle boots-2.1 pounds - and Dave Jensen carried three pairs of socks and a can of
Dr. Scholl's foot powder as a precaution against trench foot. Until he was shot, Ted Lavender carried six or seven ounces
of premium dope, which for him was 2 necessity. Mitchell Sanders, the RT0, carried condoms. Norman Bowker carried a diary.
Rat Kiley carried comic books. Kiowa, a devout Baptist, Carried an illustrated New Testament that had been presented to him
by his father, who taught Sunday school in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. As a hedge against bad times, however, Kiowa also carried
his grandmother's distrust of the white man, his grandfather's old hunting hatchet. Necessity dictated. Because the land was
mined and booby-trapped, it was SOP for each man to carry a steel-centered, nylon-covered flak jacket, which weighed 6.7 pounds,
but which on hot days seemed much heavier. Because you could die so quickly, each man carried at least one large compress
bandage, usually in the helmet band for easy access. Because the nights were cold, and because the monsoons were wet, each
carried a green plastic poncho that could be used as a raincoat or groundsheet or makeshift tent. With its quilted liner,
the poncho weighed almost two pounds, but it was worth every ounce. In April, for instance, when Ted Lavender was shot, they
used his poncho to wrap him up, then to carry him across the paddy, then to lift him into the chopper that took him away.
They were called legs or grunts.
To carry something was to "hump" it, as when Lieutenant Jimmy Cross humped his love for Martha up the hills and through
the swamps. In its intransitive form, "to hump," meant "to walk," or "to march," but it implied burdens far beyond the intransitive.
Almost everyone humped photographs. In his wallet, Lieutenant Cross carried two photographs of Martha. The first was a
Kodachrome snapshot signed "Love," though he knew better. She stood against a brick wall. Her eyes were gray and neutral,
her lips slightly open as she stared straight-on at the camera. At night, sometimes, Lieutenant Cross wondered who had taken
the picture, because he knew she had boyfriends, because he loved her so much, and because he could see the shadow of the
picture taker spreading out against the brick wall. The second photograph had been clipped from the 1968 Mount Sebastian yearbook.
It was an action shot-women's volleyball-and Martha was bent horizontal to the floor, reaching, the palms of her hands in
sharp focus, the tongue taut, the expression frank and competitive. There was no visible sweat. She wore white gym shorts.
Her legs, he thought, were almost certainly the legs of a virgin, dry and without hair, the left knee cocked and carrying
her entire weight, which was just over one hundred pounds. Lieutenant Cross remembered touching that left knee. A dark theater,
he remembered, and the movie was Bonnie and Clyde, and Martha wore a tweed skirt, and during the final scene, when
he touched her knee, she turned and looked at him in a sad, sober way that made him pull his hand back, but he would always
remember the feel of the tweed skirt and the knee beneath it and the sound of the gunfire that killed Bonnie and Clyde, how
embarrassing it was, how slow and oppressive. He remembered kissing her goodnight at the dorm door. Right then, he thought,
he should've done something brave. He should've carried her up the stairs to her room and tied her to the bed and touched
that left knee all night long. He should've risked it. Whenever he looked at the photographs, he thought of new things he
What they carried was partly a function of rank, partly of field specialty.
As a first lieutenant and platoon leader, Jimmy Cross carried a compass, maps, code books, binoculars, and a .45-caliber
pistol that weighed 2.9 pounds fully loaded. He carried a strobe fight and the responsibility for the lives of his men.
As an RTO, Mitchell Sanders carried the PRC-25 radio, a killer, twenty-six pounds with its battery.
As a medic, Rat Kiley carried a canvas satchel filled with morphine and plasma and malaria tablets and surgical tape and
comic books and all the things a medic must carry, including M&M's for especially bad wounds, for a total weight of nearly
As a big man, therefore a machine gunner, Henry Dobbins carried the M-60, which weighed twenty-three pounds unloaded, but
which was almost always loaded. In addition, Dobbins carried between ten and fifteen pounds of ammunition draped in belts
across his chest and shoulders.
As PFCs or Spec 4s, most of them were common grunts and carried the standard M-16 gas-operated assault rifle. The weapon
weighed 75 pounds unloaded, 8.2 pounds with its full twenty-round magazine. Depending on numerous factors, such as topography
and psychology, the riflemen carried anywhere from twelve to twenty magazines, usually in cloth bandoliers, adding on another
8.4 pounds at minimum, fourteen pounds at maximum. When it was available, they also carried M-16 maintenance gear - rods and
steel brushes and swabs and tubes of LSA oil - all of which weighed about 2 pound. Among the grunts, some carried the M-79
grenade launcher, 5.9 pounds unloaded, a reasonably fight weapon except for the ammunition, which was heavy. A single round
weighed ten ounces. The typical load was twenty-five rounds. But Ted Lavender, who was scared, carried thirty-four rounds
when he was shot and killed outside Than Khe, and he went down under an exceptional burden, more than twenty pounds of ammunition,
plus the flak jacket and helmet and rations and water and toilet paper and tranquilizers and all the rest, plus the unweighed
fear. He was dead weight. There was no twitching or flopping. Kiowa, who saw it happen, said it was like watching a rock fall,
or a big sandbag or something -just boom, then down - not like the movies where the dead guy rolls around and does fancy spins
and goes ass over teakettle -not like that, Kiowa said, the poor bastard just flat-fuck fell. Boom. Down. Nothing else. It
was a bright morning in mid-April. Lieutenant Cross felt the pain. He blamed himself. They stripped off Lavender's canteens
and ammo, all the heavy things, and Rat Kiley said the obvious, the guy's dead, and Mitchell Sanders used his radio to report
one U.S. KIA and to request a chopper. Then they wrapped Lavender in his poncho. They carried him out to a dry paddy, established
security, and sat smoking the dead man's dope until the chopper came. Lieutenant Cross kept to himself. He pictured Martha's
smooth young face, thinking he loved her more than anything, more than his men, and now Ted Lavender was dead because he loved
her so much and could not stop thinking about her. When the dust-off arrived, they carried Lavender aboard. Afterward they
burned Than Khe. They marched until dusk, then dug their holes, and that night Kiowa kept explaining how you had to be them
how fast it was, how the poor guy just dropped like so much concrete, Boom-down, he said. Like cement.
In addition to the three standard weapons-the M-60, M-16, and M-79-they carried whatever presented itself, or whatever
seemed appropriate as a means of killing or staying alive. They carried catch-as-catch can. At various times, in various situations,
they carried M-14's and CAR-15's and Swedish K's and grease guns and captured AK-47s and ChiCom's and RPG's and Simonov carbines
and black-market Uzi's and .38-caliber Smith & Wesson handguns and 66 mm LAW's and shotguns and silencers and blackjacks
and bayonets and C-4 plastic explosives. Lee Strunk carried a slingshot; a weapon of last resort, he called it. Mitchell Sanders
carried brass knuckles. Kiowa carried his grandfather's feathered hatchet. Every third or fourth man carried a Claymore antipersonnel
mine-3.5 pounds with its firing device. They all carried fragmentation grenades-fourteen ounces each. They all carried at
least one M-18 colored smoke grenade- twenty-four ounces. Some carried CS or tear-gas grenades. Sonic carried white-phosphorus
grenades. They carried all they could bear, and then some, including a silent awe for the terrible power of the things they
In the first week of April, before Lavender died, Lieutenant Jimmy Cross received a good-luck charm from Martha. It was
a simple pebble. An ounce at most. Smooth to the touch, it was a milky-white color with flecks of orange and violet, oval-shaped,
like a miniature egg. In the accompanying letter, Martha wrote that she had found the pebble on the Jersey shoreline, precisely
where the land touched water at high tide, where things came together but also separated. It was this separate-but-together
quality, she wrote, that had inspired her to pick up the pebble and to carry it in her breast pocket for several days, where
it seemed weightless, and then to send it through the mail, by air, as a token of her truest feelings for him. Lieutenant
Cross found this romantic. But he wondered what 'her truest feelings were, exactly, and what she meant by separate-but-together.
He wondered how the tides and waves had come into play on that afternoon along the Jersey shoreline when Martha saw the pebble
and, bent down to rescue it from geology. He imagined bare feet. Martha was a poet, with the poet's sensibilities, and her
feet would be brown and bare the toenails unpainted, the eyes chilly and somber like the ocean in March, and though it was
painful, he wondered who had been with her that afternoon. He imagined a pair of shadows moving along the strip of sand where
things came together but also separated. It was phantom jealousy, he knew, but he couldn't help himself. He loved her so much.
On the march, through the hot days of early April, he carried the pebble in his mouth, turning it with his tongue, tasting
sea salts and moisture. His mind wandered. He had difficulty keeping his attention on the war. On occasion he would yell at
his men to spread out the column, to keep their eyes open, but then he would slip away into daydreams, just pretending, walking
barefoot along the Jersey shore, with Martha, carrying nothing. He would feel himself rising. Sun and waves and gentle winds,
all love and lightness.
What they carried varied by mission.
When a mission took them to the mountains, they carried mosquito netting, machetes, canvas tarps, and extra bugjuice.
If a mission seemed especially hazardous, or if it involved a place they knew to be bad, they carried everything they could.
In certain heavily mined AO's, where the land was dense with Toe Poppers and Bouncing Betties, they took turns humping a twenty-eight-pound
mine detector. With its headphones and big sensing plate, the equipment was a stress on the lower back and shoulders, awkward
to handle, often useless because of the shrapnel in the earth, but they carried it anyway, partly for safety, partly for the
illusion of safety.
On ambush, or other night missions, they carried peculiar little odds and ends. Kiowa always took along his New Testament
and a pair of moccasins for silence. Dave Jensen carried night-sight vitamins high in carotene. Lee Strunk carried his slingshot;
ammo, he claimed, would never be a problem. Rat Kiley carried brandy and M&M's. Until he was shot, Ted Lavender carried
the starlight scope, which weighed 63 pounds with its aluminum carrying case. Henry Dobbins carried his girlfriend's panty
hose wrapped around his neck as a comforter. They all carried ghosts. When dark came, they would move out single file across
the meadows and paddies to their ambush coordinates, where they would quietly set up the Claymores and lie down and spend
the night waiting.
Other missions were more complicated and required special equipment. In mid-April, it was their mission to search out and
destroy the elaborate tunnel complexes in the Than Khe area south of Chu Lai. To blow the tunnels, they carried one-pound
blocks of pentrite high explosives; four blocks to a man, sixty-eight pounds in all. They carried wiring, detonators, and
battery-powered clackers. Dave Jensen carried earplugs. Most often, before blowing the tunnels, they were ordered by higher
command to search them, which was considered bad news, but by and large they just shrugged and carried out orders. Because
he was a big man, Henry Dobbins was excused from tunnel duty. The others would draw numbers. Before Lavender died there were
seventeen men in the platoon, and whoever drew the number seventeen would strip off his gear and crawl in headfirst with a
flashlight and Lieutenant Cross's .45-caliber pistol. The rest of them would fan out as security. They would sit down or kneel,
not facing the hole, listening to the ground beneath them, imagining cobwebs and ghosts, whatever was down there-the tunnel
walls squeezing in-how the flashlight seemed impossibly heavy in the hand and how it was tunnel vision in the very strictest
sense, compression in all ways, even time, and how you had to wiggle in-ass and elbows-a swallowed-up feeling-and how you
found yourself worrying about odd things-will your flashlight go dead? Do rats carry rabies? If you screamed, how far would
the sound carry? Would your buddies hear it? Would they have the courage to drag you out? In some respects, though not many,
the waiting was worse than the tunnel itself. Imagination was a killer.
On April 16, when Lee Strunk drew the number seventeen, he laughed and muttered something and went down quickly. The morning
was hot and very still. Not good, Kiowa said. He looked at the tunnel opening, then out across a dry paddy toward the village
of Than Khe. Nothing moved. No clouds or birds or people. As they waited, the men smoked and drank Kool-Aid, not talking much,
feeling sympathy for Lee Strunk but also feeling the luck of the draw, You win some, you lose some, said Mitchell Sanders,
and sometimes you settle for a rain check. It was a tired line and no one laughed.
Henry Dobbins ate a tropical chocolate bar. Ted Lavender popped a tranquilizer and went off to pee. After five minutes,
Lieutenant Jimmy Cross moved to the tunnel, leaned down, and examined the darkness. Trouble, he thought-a cave-in maybe. And
then suddenly, without willing it, lie was thinking about Martha. The stresses and fractures, the quick collapse, the two
of them buried alive under all that weight. Dense, crushing love. Kneeling, watching the hole, he tried to concentrate on
Lee Strunk and the war, all the dangers, but his love was too much for him, he felt paralyzed, he wanted to sleep inside her
lungs and breathe- her blood and be smothered. He wanted her to be a virgin and not a virgin, all at once. He wanted to know
her. Intimate secrets-why poetry? Why so sad? Why that grayness in her eyes? Why so alone? Not lonely, just alone -riding
her bike across campus or sitting off by herself in the cafeteria. Even dancing, she danced alone - and it was the aloneness
that filled him with love. He remembered telling her that one evening. How she nodded and looked away. And how, later, when
he kissed her. She received the kiss without returning it, her eyes wide open, not afraid, not a virgin's eyes, just flat
Lieutenant Cross gazed at the tunnel. But he was not there. He was buried with Martha under the white sand at the Jersey
shore. They were pressed together, and the pebble in his mouth was her tongue. He was smiling. Vaguely, he was aware of how
quiet the day was; the sullen paddies, yet he could not bring himself to worry about matters of security. He was beyond that.
He was just a kid at war, in love. He was twenty two years old. He couldn't help it.
A few moments later Lee Strunk crawled out of the tunnel. He came up grinning, filthy but alive. Lieutenant Cross nodded
and closed his eyes while the others clapped Strunk on the back and made jokes about rising from the dead.
Worms, Rat Kiley said. Right out of the grave. Fuckin' zombie.
The men laughed. They all felt great relief.
Spook City, said Mitchell Sanders.
Lee Strunk made a funny ghost sound, a kind of moaning, yet very happy, and fight then, when Strunk made that high happy
moaning sound, when he went Ahhooooo, right then Ted Lavender was shot in the head on his way back from peeing. He lay with
his mouth open. The teeth were broken. There was a swollen black bruise under his left eye. The cheekbone was gone. Oh shit,
Rat Kiley said, the guy's dead. The guy's dead, he kept saying, which seemed profound -the guy's dead. I mean really.
The things they carried were determined to some extent by superstition. Lieutenant Cross carried his good-luck pebble.
Dave Jensen carried a rabbit's foot. Norman Bowker, other-wise a very gentle person, carried a thumb that had been presented
to him as a gift by Mitchell Sanders. The thumb was dark brown, rubbery to the touch, and weighed four ounces at most. It
had been cut from a VC corpse, a boy of fifteen or sixteen. They'd found him at the bottom of an irrigation ditch, badly burned,
flies in his mouth and eyes. The boy wore black shorts and sandals. At the time of his death he had been carrying a pouch
of rice, a rifle, and three magazines of ammunition.
You want my opinion, Mitchell Sanders said, there's a definite moral here.
He put his hand oil the dead boy's wrist. He was quiet for a time, as if counting a pulse, then he patted the stomach,
almost affectionately, and used Kiowa's hunting hatchet to remove the thumb.
Henry Dobbins asked what the moral was.
You know- Moral.
Sanders wrapped the thumb in toilet paper and handed it across to Norman Bowker. There was no blood. Smiling, he kicked
the boy's head, watched the files scatter, and said, It's like with that old TV show - Paladin. Have gun, will travel.
Henry Dobbins thought about it.
Yeah, well, he finally said. I don't see no moral.
There it is, man.
They carried USO stationery and pencils and pens. They carried Sterno, safety pins, trip flares, signal flares, spools
of wire, razor blades, chewing tobacco, liberated joss sticks and statuettes of the sniffing Buddha, candles, grease pencils,
The Stars and Stripes, fingernail clippers, Psy Ops leaflets, bush hats, bolos, and much more. Twice a week, when the resupply
choppers came in, they carried hot chow in green Mermite cans and large canvas bags filled with iced beer and soda pop. They
carried plastic water containers, each with a two gallon capacity. Mitchell Sanders carried a set of starched tiger fatigues
for special occasions. Henry Dobbins carried Black Flag insecticide. Dave Jensen carried empty sandbags that could be filled
at night for added protection. Lee Strunk carried tanning lotion. Some things they carried in common. Taking turns, they carried
the big PRC-77 scrambler radio, which weighed thirty pounds with its battery. They shared the weight of memory. They took
up what others could no longer bear, Often, they carried each other, the wounded or weak. They carried infections. They carried
chess sets, basketballs, Vietnamese English dictionaries, insignia of rank, Bronze Stars and Purple Hearts, plastic cards
imprinted with the Code of Conduct. They carried diseases, among them malaria and dysentery. They carried lice and ringworm
and leeches and paddy algae and various rots and molds. They carried the land itself. Vietnam, the place, the sod -a powdery
orange-red dust that covered their boots and fatigues and faces. They carried the sky. The whole atmosphere, they carried
it, the humidity, the monsoons, the stink of fungus and decay, all of it, they carried gravity. They moved like mules. By
daylight they took sniper fire, at night they were mortared, but it was not battle, it was just the endless march, village
to village, without purpose, nothing won or lost. They marched for the sake of the march. They plodded along slowly, dumbly,
leaning forward against the heat, unthinking, all blood and bone, simple grunts, soldiering with their legs, toiling up the
hills and down into the paddies and across the rivers and up again and down, just humping, one step and then the next and
then another, but no volition, no will, because it was automatic, it was anatomy, and the war was entirely a matter of posture
and carriage, the hump was everything, a kind of inertia, a kind of emptiness, a dullness of desire and intellect and conscience
and hope and human sensibility. Their principles were in their feet. Their calculations were biological. They had no sense
of strategy or mission. They searched the villages without knowing what to look for, nor caring, kicking over jars of rice,
frisking children and old men, blowing tunnels, sometimes setting fires and sometimes not, then forming up and moving on to
the next village, then other villages, where it would always be the same. They carried their own lives. The pressures were
enormous. In the heat of early afternoon, they would remove their helmets and flak jackets, walking bare, which was dangerous
but which helped ease the strain. They would often discard things along the route of march. Purely for comfort, they would
throw away rations, blow their Claymores and grenades, no matter, because by nightfall the resupply choppers would arrive
with more of the same, then a day or two later still more, fresh watermelons and crates of ammunition and sunglasses and woolen
sweaters-the resources were stunning -sparklers for the Fourth of July, colored eggs for Easter. It was the great American
war chest-the fruits of sciences, the smokestacks, the canneries, the arsenals at Hartford, the Minnesota forests, the machine
shops, the vast fields of corn and wheat they carried like freight trains; they carried it on their backs and shoulders-and
for all the ambiguities of Vietnam, all the mysteries and unknowns, there was at least the single abiding certainty that they
would never be at a loss for things to carry.
After the chopper took Lavender away, Lieutenant Jimmy Cross led his men into the village of Than Khe. They burned everything.
They shot chickens and dogs, they trashed the village well, they called in artillery and watched the wreckage, then they marched
for several hours through the hot afternoon, and then at dusk, while Kiowa explained how Lavender died, Lieutenant Cross found
He tried not to cry. With his entrenching tool, which weighed five pounds, he began digging a hole in the earth.
He felt shame. He hated himself He had loved Martha more than his men, and as a consequence Lavender was now dead, and
this was something he would have to carry like a stone in his stomach for the rest of the war.
All he could do was dig. He used his entrenching tool like an ax, slashing, feeling both love and hate, and then later,
when it was full dark, he sat at the bottom of his foxhole and wept. It went on for a long while. In part, he was grieving
for Ted Lavender, but mostly it was for Martha, and for himself, because she belonged to another world, which was not quite
real, and because she was a junior at Mount Sebastian College in New Jersey, a poet and a virgin and uninvolved, and because
he realized she did not love him and never would.
Like cement, Kiowa whispered in the dark. I swear to God - boom-down. Not a word.
I've heard this, said Norman Bowker.
A pisser, you know? Still zipping himself up. Zapped while zipping.
All right, fine. That's enough.
Yeah, but you had to see it, the guy just
I heard, man. Cement. So why not shut the fuck up?
Kiowa shook his head sadly and glanced over at the hole where Lieutenant Jimmy Cross sat watching the night. The air was
thick and wet. A warm, dense fog had settled over the paddies and there was the stillness that precedes rain.
After a time Kiowa sighed.
One thing for sure, he said. The lieutenant's in some deep hurt. I mean that crying jag - the way he was carrying on -
it wasn't fake or anything, it was real heavy-duty hurt. The man cares.
Sure, Norman Bowker said.
Say what you want, the man does care.
We all got problems.
No, I guess not, Bowker said. Do me a favor, though.
That's a smart Indian. Shut up.
Shrugging, Kiowa pulled off his boots. He wanted to say more, just to lighten up his sleep, but instead he opened his New
Testament and arranged it beneath his head as a pillow. The fog made things seem hollow and unattached. He tried not to think
about Ted Lavender, but then he was thinking how fast it was, no drama, down and dead, and how it was hard to feet anything
except surprise. It seemed unchristian. He wished he could find some great sadness, or even anger, but the emotion wasn't
there and he couldn't make it happen. Mostly he felt pleased to be alive. He liked the smell of the New Testament under his
check, the leather and ink and paper and glue, whatever the chemicals were. He liked hearing the sounds of night. Even his
fatigue, it felt fine, the stiff muscles and the prickly awareness of his own body, a floating feeling. He enjoyed not being
dead. Lying there, Kiowa admired Lieutenant Jimmy Cross's capacity for grief. He wanted to share the man's pain, he wanted
to care as Jimmy Cross cared. And yet when he closed his eyes, all he could think was Boon-down, and all he could feel was
the pleasure of having his boots off and the fog curling in around him and the damp soil and the Bible smells and the plush
comfort of night.
After a moment Norman Bowker sat up in the dark.
What the hell, he said. You want to talk, talk. Tell it to me.
No, man, go on. One thing I hate, it's a silent Indian.
For the most part they carried themselves with poise, a kind of dignity. Now and then, however, there were times of panic,
when they squealed or wanted to squeal but couldn't. When they twitched and made moaning sounds and covered their heads and
said Dear Jesus and flopped around on the earth and fired their weapons blindly and cringed and sobbed and begged for the
noise to stop and went wild and made stupid promises to themselves and to God and to their mothers and fathers, hoping not
to die. In different ways, it happened to all of them. Afterward, when the firing ended, they would blink and peek up. They
would touch their bodies, feeling shame, then quickly hiding it. They would force themselves to stand. As if in slow motion,
frame by frame, the world would take on the old logic-absolute silence, then the wind, then sunlight, then voices. It was
the burden of being alive. Awkwardly, the men would reassemble themselves, first in private, then in groups, becoming soldiers
again. They would repair the leaks in their eyes. They would check for casualties, call in dust-offs, light cigarettes, try
to smile, clear their throats and spit and begin cleaning their weapons. After a time someone would shake his head and say,
No lie, I almost shit my pants, and someone else would laugh, which meant it was bad, yes, but the guy had obviously not shit
his pants, it wasn't that bad, and in any case nobody would ever do such a thing and then go ahead and talk about it. They
would squint into the dense, oppressive sunlight. For a few moments, perhaps, they would fall silent, lighting a joint and
tracking its passage from man to man, inhaling, holding in the humiliation. Scary stuff, one of them might say. But then someone
else would grin or flick his eyebrows and say, Roger-dodger, almost cut me a new asshole, almost.
There were numerous such poses. Some carried themselves with a sort of wistful resignation, others with pride or stiff
soldierly discipline or good humor or macho zeal. They were afraid of dying but they were even more afraid to show it.
They found jokes to tell.
They used a hard vocabulary to contain the terrible softness. Greased, they'd say. Offed, lit up, zapped while
zipping. It wasn't cruelty, just stage presence. They were actors and the war came at them in 3-D. When someone died,
it wasn't quite dying, because in a curious way it seemed scripted, and because they had their fines mostly memorized, irony
mixed with tragedy, and because they called it by other names, as if to encyst and destroy the reality of death itself. They
kicked corpses. They cut off thumbs. They talked grunt lingo. They told stories about Ted Lavender's supply of tranquilizers,
how the poor guy didn't feel a thing, how incredibly tranquil he was.
There's a moral here, said Mitchell Sanders.
They were waiting for Lavender's chopper, smoking the dead man's dope.
The moral's pretty obvious, Sanders said, and winked. Stay away from drugs. No joke, they'll ruin your day every time.
Cute, said Henry Dobbins.
Mind-blower, get it? Talk about wiggy- nothing left, just blood and brains.
They made themselves laugh.
There it is, they'd say, over and over, as if the repetition itself were an act of poise, a balance between crazy and almost
crazy, knowing without going. There it is, which meant be cool, let it ride, because oh yeah, man, you can't change what can't
be changed, there it is, there it absolutely and positively and fucking well is.
They were tough.
They carried all the emotional baggage of men who might die. Grief, terror, love, longing -these were intangibles, but
the intangibles had their own mass and specific gravity, they had tangible weight. They carried shameful memories. They carried
the common secret of cowardice barely restrained, the instinct to run or freeze or hide, and in many respects this was the
heaviest burden of all, for it could never be put down, it required perfect balance and perfect posture. They carried their
reputations. They carried the soldier's greatest fear, which was the fear of blushing. Men killed, and died, because they
were embarrassed not to. It was what had brought them to the war in the first place, nothing positive, no dreams of glory
or honor, just to avoid the blush of dishonor. They died so as not to die of embarrassment. They crawled into tunnels and
walked point and advanced under fire. Each morning, despite the unknowns, they made their legs move. They endured. They kept
humping. They did not submit to the obvious alternative, which was simply to close the eyes and fall. So easy, really. Go
limp and tumble to the ground and let the muscles unwind and not speak and not budge until your buddies picked you up and
lifted you into the chopper that would roar and dip its nose and carry you off to the world. A mere matter of falling, yet
no one ever fell. It was not courage, exactly; the object was not valor. Rather, they were too frightened to be cowards.
By and large they carried these things inside, maintaining the masks of composure. They sneered at sick call. They spoke
bitterly about guys who had found release by shooting off their own toes or fingers. Pussies, they'd say. Candyasses. It was
fierce, mocking talk, with only a trace of envy or awe, but even so, the image played itself out behind their eyes.
They imagined the muzzle against flesh. They imagined the quick, sweet pain, then the evacuation to Japan, then a hospital
with warm beds and cute geisha nurses.
They dreamed of freedom birds.
At night, on guard, staring into the dark, they were carried away by jumbo jets. They felt the rush of takeoff Gone!
they yelled. And then velocity, wings and engines, a smiling stewardess-but it was more than a plane, it was a real bird,
a big sleek silver bird with feathers and talons and high screeching. They were flying. The weights fell off; there was nothing
to bear. They laughed and held on tight, feeling the cold slap of wind and altitude, soaring, thinking It's over, I'm gone!
- they were naked. They were light and free-it was all lightness, bright and fast and buoyant, light as light, a helium buzz
in the brain, a giddy bubbling in the lungs as they were taken up over the Clouds and the war, beyond duty, beyond gravity
and mortification anti global entanglements -Sin loi! They yelled, I'm sorry, motherfuckers, but I'm out of it,
I'm goofed, I'm on a space cruise, I'm gone! -and it was a restful, disencumbered sensation, just riding the fight waves,
sailing; that big silver freedom bird over the mountains and oceans, over America, over the farms and great sleeping cities
and cemeteries and highways and the Golden Arches of McDonald's. It was flight, a kind of fleeing, a kind of falling, falling
higher and higher, spinning off the edge of the earth and beyond the sun and through the vast, silent vacuum where there were
no burdens and where everything weighed exactly nothing. Gone! they screamed, I'm sorry but I'm gone! And so
at night, not quite dreaming, they gave themselves over to lightness, they were carried, they were purely borne.
On the morning after Ted Lavender died, First Lieutenant Jimmy Cross crouched at the bottom of his foxhole and burned Martha's
letters. Then he burned the two photographs. There was a steady rain falling, which made it difficult, but he used heat tabs
and Sterno to build a small fire, screening it with his body, holding the photographs over the tight blue flame with the tips
of his fingers.
He realized it was only a gesture. Stupid, he thought. Sentimental, too, but mostly just stupid.
Lavender was dead. You couldn't burn the blame.
Besides, the letters were in his head. And even now, without photographs, Lieutenant Cross could see Martha playing volleyball
in her white gym shorts and yellow T-shirt. He could see her moving in the rain.
When the fire died out, Lieutenant Cross pulled his poncho over his shoulders and ate breakfast from a can.
There was no great mystery, he decided.
In those burned letters Martha had never mentioned the war, except to say, Jimmy take care of yourself. She wasn't involved.
She signed the letters "Love," but it wasn't love, and all the fine lines and technicalities did not matter.
The morning came up wet and blurry. Everything seemed part of everything else, the fog and Martha and the deepening rain.
It was a war, after all.
Half smiling, Lieutenant Jimmy Cross took out his maps. He shook his head hard, as if to clear it, then bent forward and
began planning the day's march. In ten minutes, or maybe twenty, he would rouse the men and they would pack up and head west,
where the maps showed the country to be green and inviting. They would do what they had always done. The rain might add some
weight, but otherwise it would be one more day layered upon all the other days.
He was realistic about it. There was that new hardness in his stomach.
No more fantasies, he told himself.
Henceforth, when lie thought about Martha, it would be only to think that she belonged elsewhere. He would shut down the
daydreams. This was not Mount Sebastian, it was another world, where there were no pretty poems or midterm exams, a place
where men died because of carelessness and gross stupidity. Kiowa was right. Boom-down, and you were dead, never partly dead.
Briefly, in the rain, Lieutenant Cross saw Martha's gray eyes gazing back at him.
It was very sad, he thought. The things men carried inside. The things men did or felt they had to do.
He almost nodded at her, but didn't.
Instead he went back to his maps. He was now determined to perform his duties firmly and without negligence. It wouldn't
help Lavender, he knew that, but from this point on he would comport himself as a soldier. He would dispose of his good-luck
pebble. Swallow it, maybe, or use Lee Strunk's slingshot, or just drop it along the trail. On the march he would impose strict
field discipline. He would be careful to send out flank security, to prevent straggling or bunching up, to keep his troops
moving at the proper pace and at the proper interval. He would insist on clean weapons. He would confiscate the remainder
of Lavender's dope. Later in the day, perhaps, he would call the men together and speak to them plainly. He would accept the
blame for what had happened to Ted Lavender. He would be a man about it. He would look them in the eyes, keeping his chin
level, and he would issue the new SOPs in a calm, impersonal tone of voice, an officer's voice, leaving no room for argument
or discussion. Commencing immediately, he'd tell them, they would no longer abandon equipment along the route of march. They
would police up their acts. They would get their shit together, and keep it together, and maintain it neatly and in good working
He would not tolerate laxity. He would show strength, distancing himself.
Among the men there would be grumbling, of course, and maybe worse, because their days would seem longer and their loads
heavier, but Lieutenant Cross reminded himself that his obligation was not to be loved but to lead. He would dispense with
love; it was not now a factor. And if anyone quarreled or complained, he would simply tighten his lips and arrange his shoulders
in the correct command posture. He might give a curt little nod. Or he might not. He might just shrug and say Carry on, then
they would saddle up and form into a column and move out toward the villages west of Than Khe. (1986)
- R&R rest and rehabilitation leave
- SOP standard operating procedure
- RTO radio and telephone operator
- M&M joking term for medical supplies
- KIA killed in action
- AOs areas of operation
- Sin loi Sorry